Faith, doubt and big questions at 18

Somewhere around the end of school, the questions get louder. Why is there anything at all? What happens when we die? Does what I grew up believing still hold up, or did I just inherit it like my nana's couch? If you're lying awake chewing on this stuff, you're not broken and you're not behind. You're doing one of the most human things there is. This piece isn't here to hand you answers. It's here to say the questions are worth having, and to point at some ways people from very different starting places work through them.

Doubt is normal, whatever you believe

Doubt gets a bad reputation, as if it's the opposite of faith or a sign you're about to throw everything out. In practice, most thoughtful people (religious or not) live with some doubt for most of their lives. Plenty of religious traditions have long histories of people arguing, questioning and changing their minds, and many treat honest questioning as part of a mature faith rather than a threat to it.

It works the other way too. People who don't believe in God still wonder whether they've got it right, still feel awe at a night sky over the Mackenzie Basin, still find themselves at a tangi or a funeral thinking about meaning. Having questions doesn't commit you to any particular outcome.

At 18, a lot changes at once: leaving home, new friends, uni or work, your first time living outside the routines you grew up with. It makes sense that beliefs get shaken loose too. That can feel exciting, or unsettling, or both in the same afternoon.

Where New Zealand sits

If you feel like you're the only one questioning, the numbers say otherwise. Census data from Stats NZ shows that the share of New Zealanders reporting no religion has climbed census after census. In the 2018 Census it was close to half the population, and in the 2023 Census it passed the halfway mark for the first time, at 51.6 percent. Around a third of people still identified as Christian in 2023, and there are sizeable Hindu, Muslim and Buddhist communities, as well as Māori faiths such as Rātana and Ringatū. Wikipedia's page on religion in New Zealand has a good summary of the census tables if you want to dig in.

What that means in real life: your flatmates, teammates and workmates probably hold a real mix of views, and many haven't settled on anything. You're in good company whichever way you lean.

How different people approach the big questions

There's no single method, but a few broad approaches come up again and again.

Through a tradition

Many people work through big questions inside a religious tradition: reading its texts, praying or meditating, talking with leaders and older members, and testing what they were taught against their own experience. For some, doubt leads to a deeper version of the faith they started with. For others, it leads somewhere else.

Through reason and evidence

Others start from philosophy, science and argument. What can we know? What counts as good evidence? What makes something right or wrong without a religious framework? A first-year philosophy paper, a good podcast or a library card can open a lot of doors here.

Through whakapapa, land and community

In te ao Māori and many Pacific cultures, questions of meaning are often bound up with whakapapa, whenua and whānau rather than being purely individual. Who you come from, where you stand and who you're responsible for can be as important as what you privately believe.

Through doing

Some people find that meaning shows up less in arguments and more in practice: helping out, making music, caring for someone, spending time outdoors. You don't have to resolve every abstract question before you live well.

Most people end up mixing several of these. That's fine.

Finding people to talk to

Thinking alone in your room at 2am has its limits. A few options worth trying:

• Someone older you trust. A grandparent, an aunty or uncle, a coach, a teacher. People who've lived longer often have more nuanced views than you'd guess.
• Faith leaders. Most ministers, priests, imams, rabbis and kaumātua are used to hard questions, including from people who aren't sure they believe. A decent one won't pressure you.
• Uni chaplaincy and student clubs. Many campuses have chaplains from a range of traditions, plus religious, secular and philosophy clubs. You can usually just show up and listen.
• Friends who disagree with you. Some of the best conversations happen with people who see things differently, as long as you both actually listen.

A good sign you're talking to the right person: they're curious about what you think, they're honest about what they don't know, and they don't make you feel stupid or rushed.

Being respectful with friends who believe differently

Big questions can get personal fast. A few ground rules make it easier:

1. Ask before you argue. "What does that mean to you?" goes further than "But how can you believe that?"
2. Don't mock. Jokes at the expense of someone's faith, or their lack of one, rarely change minds and often end friendships.
3. Respect a no. If someone doesn't want to get into it, drop it. Same goes for you: you don't owe anyone a debate.
4. Separate people from ideas. You can disagree strongly with a belief and still like and respect the person who holds it.
5. Turn up anyway. Going along to a friend's whānau event, a festival like Diwali or Eid, or a church wedding is a kind thing to do, and it doesn't mean you've signed up to anything.

Changing your mind, or not

You might come out of this season more committed to a faith, less committed, somewhere new, or right where you started with better reasons. Any of those can be honest. What tends to go badly is pretending: forcing yourself to say you believe what you don't, or hiding a faith you hold because it feels uncool.

If changing your views causes friction at home, go gently. Families often need time. You can be honest without making every dinner a debate.

When the questions get heavy

Sometimes big questions about meaning sit alongside feeling low, anxious or hopeless. That's worth taking seriously, and you don't have to sort it on your own. You can free call or text 1737 any time to talk with a trained counsellor, or reach out to Youthline, which supports young people across Aotearoa. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call emergency services.

For more on faith, meaning and belonging, browse the rest of our faith hub. Whatever you end up believing, the asking is worth it.