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Looking 4 Love
His stubbled, impossibly masculine, finely chiselled, ridiculously manly jaw rippled with emotion. She looked up at him, her azure eyes like deep wells, pretty under her curled lashes. He was ready. “Yes, he said, “I’ve known it all along, but I was a scared little boy you see.” She could see in every glance, every word unspoken, every burp held in. “You’re the only one for me,” he whispered. “Oh Dirk,” she sighed. (Or, if this is a Christian romance: “God told me you’re the only one for me.” “Oh Dirk,” she sighed). “I love you.”
You Give Me Fever…
As a culture, we’re obsessed by it. It is the quest of every romcom, the ode of pop songs, and life’s loftiest goal: love, true love, between a man and a woman.
Some symptoms that may indicate you are suffering from love include: nervousness, clammy palms, sudden interest in getting fit quick, all night DVD sessions together, and a newly acquired love of long walks. Again, if you are a Christian, add to that: impressing each other with memory verses.
This form of love is what in the Greek language of the Bible is called ‘eros’ (see our study on the four loves, page 12), it is a beautiful, inspired expression of love created by God. Yet eros love is never once mentioned in the New Testament.
Love is indeed the driving force of the Bible; in fact it says, God is love (see 1 John 4:16). But the type of love that Paul calls “the most excellent way” is “agape”. In contrast, agape love appears 215 times in the New Testament. In this way, our culture is completely at odds with the Bible in our view of true love.
Eros is one expression of love, but agape is the foundation on which all love must be built. If you base your relationship on those squidgy eros feelings, it’s like building a house on sand. The foundations are going to start crumbling with the first storm.
So what does it really mean—or what should it mean—when we say those three little words: I love you.
What A Feeling…
In his famous ode to love, Paul gives a description of what true love should look like. Just some of love’s qualities include: It never gives up, cares more for others than for self, isn’t proud or big-headed, isn’t always “me first”, doesn’t keep score, loves truth, trusts God always, looks for the best, keeps going to the end, and never dies (from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8).
We use the term “falling in love” ‘cos it can be as swift and scandalous as falling off a cliff. But true love, Bible-style, takes a lifetime to learn. It’s relatively easy to get that lovin’ feeling for your youth worship leader, but the love that Paul describes is a series of actions you must choose to live out.
My brother Luke, who has been married for two months, says, “Being in love is the sky-high emotion part that leads to love. Love on the other hand is the substantial part that survives when the feelings deflate. Not that love is devoid of feeling, but it doesn’t rely on the feelings.
“Commitment is the antidote to feelings that can run hot and cold. It “never looks back, but keeps going to the end” (v. 7).
Rosemary Taylor, who speaks at marriage seminars with husband Kevin, says that, when they got married 30 years ago, they vowed that they would never threaten to leave or divorce. “It’s as we work through the tough times that love deepens. When young people run away from situations, they don’t learn,” she says.
“If commitment is the foundation, then it is not dependent on how I feel. When I make the choice to love, the feelings will usually follow.” That’s cool.
I Wanna Know What Love Is…
I talked to several couples in my quest to find out what love really is, and every one of them basically said the same thing: True love puts the other person first. “Love cares more for others than self” (v. 5).
“A selfish person kills a relationship,” says Luke. “Two selfless people are very happy.”
Rosemary, who also works with teens in Postponing Sexual Involvement, says it’s easy to get into selfish relationships when you are a teenager. “In your teens, you tend to go into relationships with ‘what I want’, but a healthy relationship is other-centred. “If he’s saying, ‘If you love me, you’d sleep with me’, that isn’t really love. If he really loved you, he would respect your decisions.”
One of the most loving things you can do is respect your boy or girlfriend’s sexual boundaries. Love doesn’t delight in evil but rejoices with the truth, and it always protects (v. 6). Love is about who you are when no one else is looking.
“It’s normal that we are attracted by outside things, that’s not wrong,” says Rosemary, “but it’s the inner qualities that endure. You want someone that can love you for years, and they are not always going to be the surfer dude.”
Our culture tells us that attraction is pretty much all you need to fall in love. Your style might be hunky surfer, sensitive emo, sporty chick or cheerleader, but these ‘types’ say nothing about the qualities that really matter.
Being proud to be seen on their arm in public won’t mean much if they don’t respect you in private, if they are not kind to you and patient and trusting when no one else is looking. “I’ve seen a seemingly strong Christian fall head over heels in love and suddenly God goes out the window,” says Rosemary.
“You need to ask yourself, ‘Is this person encouraging me in my relationship with God, or making me pull away’.”
Ultimately, true love is not about finding the right person, but about becoming the right person. Pursuing the Bible’s version of true love is actually about becoming more like Christ. The awesome thing is that if you are trying to truly love like Christ, you will become the kind of person that can really be someone else’s true love.
Bible teacher Brian Goodwin (ok he’s my dad) says, “You can’t make someone love you, but you can make yourself more loveable.
“The person described in 1 Corinthians 13 is the kind of person who’s easy to love.” Brian Goodwin (ok he’s my dad) says, “You can’t make someone love you, but you can make yourself more loveable.
“The person described in 1 Corinthians 13 is the kind of person who’s easy to love.”
You wanna know what love is? This is true, pasionate, undying love:
Love never gives up
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut.
Doesn’t have a swelled head.
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Want more? Check out SP’s interviews with four couples and their thoughts about love.
Ingrid Goodwin
Ingrid's been around SP since the very beginning, pretty much making sure we never forget the 80s, good grammar, and our feelings. As Life Editor, Ingrid is really good at telling stories (mainly about our feelings).
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